Quest for the “Colbert Bump”

 Before I start this, I want to say that I’m not 100% sure this is how one should go about getting the “Colbert Bump”, but what the hell I’m going to give it a shot….

                Stephen, Stephen, Stephen, how do I express the way I feel about your off color genius? Maybe I should start off in a formal address, so if that’s the case let me say Mr. Colbert, Mr. Colbert, Mr. Colbert. I thought about doing a video dedicated to your greatness but seeing as how I haven’t quite mastered the video software I have (DAMN YOU WINDOWS MOVIE MAKER) and you deserve nothing but the best (DUH, BECAUSE YOU’RE STEPHEN F-ING COLBERT) I decided to hold off on that…for now (you never know though, so you should check back from time to time to see if said video has made its debut). I did however create a list showcasing some of my most compelling reasons why I should receive the coveted “Colbert Bump”. Keep in mind that this list on-going and will be added to whenever I or my Penguin Elite come up with new reasons. As it stands here are my “Bump-lities” (that’s Bump Qualities for readers that are not on the cognitive level of a Mr. Colbert. Though most of us aren’t, my readers tend to run a close 1.5, as we are second to none). Here we go…

1.           I…..am AWESOME, not my opinion just a fact of life.
   2.       My readers are equally AWESOME.
   3.       You (Stephen Colbert) wear classically classical suits, and penguins wear classically timeless tuxedos. Together you are CLASS-TACULAR!!!
   4.       I created a word that describes your style…”CLASS-TACULAR”: Someone having the classically classical style of Stephen Colbert, whether they are living or dead, because Zombie Stephen Colbert would truly be “timeless”.
   5.       Stephen Colbert (that’s you) and I (that’s me) both look absolutely spectacular with shaved heads.

   

   Stephen may in fact have better eyebrows than me...DAMMIT!!

   
   
   
   6.       “Alpha Dogs” are Penguins… in plain clothes.
   7.       I am America, and SO CAN YOU!!!
   8.  LOOK WHAT I CAN DO!!!!!
   
   
   9.  I drew this...
   
   

   

   THE BIRD IS THE WORD YO!!!

   
   
   
   
   10.  Colbert, Penguin, and AWESOME all have 7 letters in them… coincidence… I THINK NOT!!!
   
   
   
   
   My wife and I both decided that it would be a good idea to pursue the “Colbert Bump” so that I could give you (that’s you Stephen Colbert) the opportunity of a lifetime to become something bigger than yourself. Think of it as coming in on the ground floor of the house that “AWESOMENISITY” built. This is truly an “as long as you live offer” that I extend to you and your nation, and one that you should never even dream of passing up! So make this huge step for “Freebertarians” everywhere and allow yourself (once again that’s you Stephen Colbert, I know it gets confusing just go with it) and your “nation” to become part of the classy arctic fighting force known as the “Penguin Elite”. We look forward to your eventual joining….and our total blogoverse domination!! Until then, I bid thee good night America, may all your dreams be filled with FREEDOM!!!
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   -Editor & Chief of The Penguin Gazette,
   
   
   Rudy